Dear Ms. Sexty,
I need help! My boyfriend just doesn’t know how to talk dirty to me. I’ve tried making him read romance novels, we’ve watched porn together, I’ve even basically told him what to say and when, but he just can’t do it. It’s a problem, because I really need it in order to feel fully turned on and totally satisfied after sex. Without the words, it always feels kind of hollow. I really like my boyfriend, and there’s no real reason to break up with him. Am I just supposed to get used to that partially satisfied feeling, or is there something I haven’t tried?
Longing For Lingual
My dearest “Longing”,
It sounds like you’ve tried everything humanly possible to get your lover to open up and engage in some much needed sexual wordplay. Unfortunately, some men (and a few women, too) get tongue tied when it comes to talking during sex. In some cases, the more you insist, coach, guide or prompt, the more likely your lover’s tongue will retreat even further into silence. The anxiety of performing, physically, is hard enough for some folks to get over – insisting they participate in a foreign, and perhaps embarrassing, a request may continue to put a damper on your relationship, in the long run.
You say that you’re happy with him, and the overall status of your relationship is good. That’s a plus! But that’s not completely satisfying you. May I offer a suggestion which you may not have previously considered? Try sexting him. Not just sending nude photos, but taking the time to describe a particular activity you really enjoy doing with your partner. Detail for him a fantasy you have, or the raunchiest kink you want to try next time. By using your words to create a sexual conversation, you’ll help him find his own skills to use words to turn you on. He will begin to see the value they have over your desires, and will want to continue to turn you on to that extent. Plus, you’ll have record, on your phone and in your mind, of the sexy things he can iterate, which you can replay in your mind while you’re intimate. You two can share an incredibly erotic word-fore-play which resolves your “hollow” afterglow.
If sexting him still doesn’t result in any increase in his lexical performance skills, you can always share a sexy text thread with someone else. There are many apps which will immediately connect you with thousands of smutty wordsmiths in your area. As far as your relationship is concerned, technically, it’s not cheating – because you are completely anonymous, and so is your phone based flirtation! You aren’t developing any emotional attachments, sexting with strangers is like customized and adaptive porn for the mind! You can get turned on by a total stranger, then turn that arousal into greater enjoyment during your shared intimate moments, with better quality orgasms, and more fully satisfied afterglows!
Wishing you better sex,